Heartbreak and romantic hopelessness are some of the most universal experiences going. Most of us have been through it at least once, and we all have our own ways of coping (some more effective than others). But that doesn't mean we instinctively know what to say or how to help others in the same boat. In fact, we're pretty useless. "There are plenty of fish in the sea" and "I never liked your ex anyway" are unlikely to cut it, nor is ordering them to download Hinge and "get back out there" ASAP.
As a heartbroken person's friend, it can be tempting to offer up practical, concrete tips for finding someone else and getting their life back on track. But often people just want permission to wallow in their sadness and stay in bed for a few days. Refinery29 asked therapists, relationship counsellors, psychologists and others how to reassure and help someone in the midst of heartbreak.
"Spend quality time with them face to face and be present. This is the time to show up, be compassionate and be ready with hugs. Romantic break-up can be like a bereavement and can cause deep pain and hurt. Studies show that the withdrawal of romantic love is akin to drug withdrawal. Put bluntly, it's bloody tough.
Help them to psychologically and physically disengage and disentangle from the relationship. This means not stalking the ex on social media. Remove photos, letters and anything causing them pain. Tell them to write a list of all the reasons why the relationship sucked. If they slip up, tell them to forgive themselves and repeat the steps until they become habits."
– Anjula Mutanda, relationship psychologist, broadcaster and Relate ambassador.
"Heartbreak is a little like the refrain from that children’s book, We're Going On A Bear Hunt: you can’t go under it, you can’t go over it, you’ve got to go through it. I’d tell a heartbroken friend to feel the full force of their sadness, grieve the loss of a person in their life and recover, which they will. There is no shortcut. Batten down the hatches, gather your trusted friends, crack open the Ben and Jerry’s and give yourself permission to mourn. Also, debrief thoroughly and put your break-up into as coherent a narrative as you can – our brains love to put pain into a story in order to understand and tame it."
– Kate Leaver, journalist and author of The Friendship Cure.
"Remember that when someone's feeling bad they may not be open to your advice. Sometimes your friend may just want to vent or to be cuddled, rather than hear practical advice. Show that you're there for them emotionally first and once they're feeling more mellow they may become more open to hearing you out. But while they're hurting, don't alienate them by being too pushy, even when you have their best interests at heart.
Then when they're ready, advise them not to rush into a relationship with anyone else. It's hard – scratch that, impossible – to immediately replace the depth of romantic connection you felt with someone you loved with a fling. Work on getting comfy with being by yourself and having some free time. Try taking a weekly low-fi evening where you turn off all technology and do something nourishing like taking a long bath, or cooking for yourself. Focus on spending quality time with friends or trying out a new hobby that builds back your self-esteem. Get your eating, sleeping and health back on track, don't dodge any tears that may arise."
– Dating coach Hayley Quinn.
"Exploring with them what went wrong in the relationship can be extremely helpful. This will help them learn and grow both within and outside of the context of relationships. It's important to be honest when doing so – there's no point in laying the blame on their ex partner and leaving it at that, as no personal development would take place.
Avoiding difficult feelings during a break-up can make the pain worse in the long term. It's therefore very important to not run away from feeling down by, for example, drinking or going out every day. It's important to sit with those feelings in order to emotionally process the break-up in a healthy way."
– Counsellor Peter Klein.
"It’s all about being positive. Reassure your friend that the relationship created fantastic memories, rather than it being a 'mistake'. Getting over a heartbreak doesn't happen overnight, it’s a work in progress. Help them to grow and take up new opportunities while offering support whenever they need it."
– Ben Edwards, self-confidence expert and relationship coach.
"Encourage them to indulge in self-care: tell them to get their hair done, go for a massage or reward themselves in some way to help improve their self-esteem. Break-ups usually happen for a reason, often it's just down to pure incompatibility and has nothing to do with how valuable and loveable you are. Now you're free to find someone who will love you and see your positive characteristics."
– Cognitive-behavioural psychotherapist Mandy Kloppers.
"Let them know you value, love and are concerned for them. You don’t necessarily have to keep telling them this but you can show it in your actions. Help them plan their days into parts, such as meeting up with people, getting a simple task done such as washing up, working out what to watch on TV, what to eat and who else they can connect with. This will help to distract them from the onslaught of overthinking and constant replaying of the break-up."
– Counsellor Nicola Perry.
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret For The Whole 9 Months