With new loneliness surveys being released virtually monthly and pointing to how lonely many young people feel, it's hard to deny the pervasiveness of the problem in 2018. This week, BBC Radio 4 published the results of the largest survey into the issue to date and concluded that 16-24-year-olds experience loneliness more often and more intensely than any other age group. Of the more than 55,000 respondents, 40% of this young cohort reported feeling lonely often or very often, compared to only 29% of 65-74-year-olds and 27% of over-75s.
Many people have placed the blame on modern life – on the competitiveness and low self-esteem induced by social media, and the lack of community inherent in our home rental culture – but it turns out that loneliness may simply be a factor of youth. Older respondents to the BBC's survey also said some of the loneliest times of their lives were when they were young. Rather than blaming Instagram, then, it's more likely that leaving home and starting university, college or a new job makes us feel uprooted from everything we've known before and unsure of our place in the world, the BBC concluded.
It's all well and good talking openly about how lonely we all are – if only for reassurance that we're not alone – but how can we actually get out of this rut? Loneliness has been described as a "health hazard" as dangerous as obesity and smoking, so it's clear something urgent needs to be done. Click through for nine coping strategies from people who know what they're talking about.
Ophelia Stimpson, 25, a business development manager in marketing communications in London, hails from the Midlands and feels loneliest when her family are far away and at weekends.
I feel loneliness most acutely at weekends – either on a hangover (shock) or on a Sunday night when things are quiet and there aren’t lots of people around. I’m in a long-distance relationship so I don’t normally have a default ‘person’ to simply relax with, which means that in moments of down time – when you’ve had a long week of being overstimulated by a big city – that lack can feel more acute.
My top coping strategies include cooking a big proper, wholesome meal for myself. For example last weekend I cooked a roast chicken – I think it’s the ultimate act of self-care because it takes you back to being fed as a kid in a family context. I also go to the cinema alone to really revel in it and pretend I’m starring in a French film noir about my life, and I love dining alone in a new restaurant with a book and again pretending I’m in a glamorous movie.
Volunteering is also great – sometimes I go to South London Cares events where you can socialise with local pensioners, which is very good for taking you out of yourself. I also try to write in my diary 0r do something with my brain that requires focus, such as learning a language or doing a crossword.
Writer and journalist Nick Duerden is the author of A Life Less Lonely: What We Can All Do to Lead More Connected, Kinder Lives, aimed at those who are experiencing loneliness themselves, and for those looking to help others in need, from teenagers right up to old age.
I don't necessarily think young people are any lonelier than they have ever been – though social media is undoubtedly guilty in making us feel more socially isolated – but they are certainly recognising it more. When you're young, you're still finding out who you are, where you fit in within society. Many might have left home for the first time for university or a job, and so they have to create new social circles which isn't always easy. We all give a very convincing impression of being busy all the time, but no one is too busy that they can't find the time to reach out.
The simple answer really is: reach out. Try to make new connections. This doesn't mean smiling at the creepy bloke opposite you on the Tube, but you can initiate conversations with strangers in many "safe" circumstances. You can chat to people in cafés, to different people at work, to your neighbours. You can join yoga classes, book groups, a gym. Overcoming loneliness requires effort, and though most of us are buried in our phones these days, none of us have yet lost the ability to look up and interact with others. Many people would be grateful if you did interact, because we are all as shy as everybody else, all waiting for someone else to make the first move. But the moment you do make the first move, the second move will feel so much easier.
Aside from interacting with others, many people I interviewed for the book suggested the importance of developing an interest in things and taking an interest in life in general. Sitting at home alone just fuels the problem, so get out there and do stuff: go to the cinema, the theatre, to concerts. Read books, go to libraries. Travel. Get a pet. Buy a bike. None of these are meant to be glib suggestions. As I said, overcoming loneliness requires effort on the part of the individual, so you need to find something that motivates you. Be it swimming, running, pub quizzes; anything that takes you out of yourself and into other worlds.
A Life Less Lonely: What We Can All Do to Lead More Connected, Kinder Lives by Nick Duerden, £12.99, is published on 4th October 2018.
Emmie Harrison, 25, a features writer who lives in Hackney, east London, often feels lonely when working from home.
Whenever I work from home, often twice a week, I get lonely and sometimes anxious, so I put a podcast on. It sounds strange but it's nice to have some people's voices in the background, as if I'm on the outside of a conversation in a coffee shop. My Dad Wrote a Porno is a great one, the presenters feel like friends and it makes me laugh. I also love The Teacher's Pet, which distracts me as it's a reopening of cold case files in Australia. I also make sure I always go outside for a walk just to be around people.
Helen, 25, a freelance copywriter based in Blackburn, started feeling increasingly lonely when she moved into a flat by herself after living with others since university.
I went to university in Manchester where there was always something to do: a night out to go on, friends to have dinner with at home. But when I graduated and started flat sharing, I started to feel more and more lonely over the next two to three years. My own relationship broke down, friends started relationships and their priorities changed. They moved away and developed careers that ate up all their time. My evenings and weekends would be blank and empty. I initially felt spoilt moaning about it, but I didn't realise how difficult it was going to be to make and keep friends in adulthood.
When I moved into my first flat on my own, my mental health declined rapidly. I didn't eat much, I was wandering the streets to avoid going home, and became increasingly paranoid that other people could smell the loneliness on me. The stress gave me tunnel vision – I couldn't hold conversations with people and I panicked when dealing with very basic things. The loneliness exacerbated the anxiety and depression I'd felt for years, until I couldn't go half an hour without bursting into tears.
My advice is to be patient and make small lifestyle changes over time. In my case, moving home to be close to family was the best option. I also knew there were a few different reasons for the loneliness, so I started CBT for anxiety (which really worked, the waiting list was worth it), reconnected with friends, filled every weekend with small things to get me out of the house and help me feel better. I also told people I trusted about how I felt, and was surprised by how non-judgemental they were. Some had even felt very similar. It took time, but I'm feeling a lot more mentally healthy and the loneliness is nearly entirely gone.
Michelle Lloyd, 33, is an HR manager who blogs about mental health at You Don't Look Depressed. She lives with an anxiety disorder and depression and shared her strategies for dealing with loneliness with Refinery29 in May.
If you're feeling lonely, it's really important to remember that these feelings aren't going to last forever. If I’ve had a really bad day I try and tell myself that tomorrow might be better. Finding a hobby also helps – it can be cooking, walking, going to art galleries or just getting into a box set. Evenings are lonely when you’re on your own but getting into a series like Grey's Anatomy, which is like a hug in a show, and watching episode after episode and not having to think about it is great. Use social media – sensibly – too. Reaching out to people and realising that you’re not the only one feeling something is so powerful.
Emma Dai, 19, a freelance graphic designer, photographer and student in London, rarely gets the chance to socialise with her fellow students because she spends most of her free time working on her side projects.
It can get lonely when I have to give up the chance to meet new people or go out with university friends because I’ve got a freelance deadline looming. Similarly, I can’t fully integrate with my colleagues because of my course schedule.
Flexibility is key for me, so I’ve been using Bumble BFF to connect with new people in my own time, on my own terms. It’s great that I can filter it down to people who already have the same interests and personality, and if we click, we can pick a time and date to meet that works for both of us. It made sense to use an app that cuts through the noise and lets me use what spare time I have to find friends and eventually build real-life relationships.
I met one of my close friends, Leah, who was studying abroad here, through it and a week later we were planning a trip to Portugal together. I haven’t even been on holiday with some friends I've known for years, so it’s surreal to think we never would’ve had the chance to meet through traditional means. Of course, I still try and get out as much as my calendar will allow, but time is valuable and it’s reassuring to know that I can still find kindred spirits with just a single swipe.
Annie Ridout, 33, is a freelance journalist, author, founder of parenting platform The Early Hour and cofounder of Clementine app. She lives in London with her husband and two young children, and says she felt loneliest as a new mum.
My newborn daughter was utterly reliant on me, which meant if she needed feeding or a nappy change that always took priority. I ended up cancelling lots of meetings with 'mum friends' if something was up with my daughter, or I was just too exhausted to go out. I was the first of my close friends to have a baby, so they were still all working nine-to-five, Monday to Friday. By the time I'd put my daughter to bed at 7pm I wanted to collapse on the sofa, watch TV and then head to bed myself. It was incredibly isolating.
It was only once I'd started The Early Hour that I began properly connecting with people again. It made me feel more confident to be working and was a conversation starter. It also gave me a reason to go to networking events. I know so many women who've felt lonely in those early months.
To overcome isolation I spend some of my day working in a coffee shop, so that even if I don't have direct conversations with anyone, I'm surrounded by people and feel connected to the wider world. I also have online 'conversations': engage on Instagram, offer advice under a post on one of the freelancers' Facebook groups I'm part of, and respond to tweets. I message friends or family on WhatsApp too, because even if they're working in an office from nine-to-five, they can usually respond.
Loveday Quarry, 19, a university student in Exeter, feels loneliest at night.
When I’m alone with my thoughts at night they can get quite intense. I watch old funny videos of my friends and nice clips of my family that I've filmed because it's comforting to be reminded of all the people around me and the support system I have. It reminds me of happier times with friends and family.
Counsellor Beverley Hills works with clients who are suffering with anxiety, panic attacks, rejection, fear, depression, as well as bereavement, family issues and relationship issues, many of whom experience loneliness.
I’m not saying the computer is the big, bad wolf, but it does sometimes lead to feelings of isolation. Once you shut the computer down, you’re kind of shutting down a whole world, so when you switch the phone off at night, you’re on your own. There’s also so much pressure on young people to do instead of be – do their makeup, do their hair – which leads to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
You’ve got to be brave and tell people how you feel. There are other people feeling just like you. Journalling is also a great way to get your thoughts onto paper. Once you get them onto paper, they don’t seem half as bad and it helps you get a bit of clarity. Artwork is also a good way to express yourself and your feelings. Going for a walk also helps because it raises endorphins, which is always a good thing for wellbeing.
If you're struggling with loneliness, counselling may help. Visit Counselling Directory to find a counsellor near you.
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