From UTIs to early periods, stress and hormones, there are many setbacks that can put a dent in your sex life and according to a new study, self-perception and body image is often on that list.
The survey, conducted by Zava, polled over 1,000 men and women about what made them feel uncomfortable in bed and how it hindered their enjoyment of sex. While men were more likely to be insecure about their performance, 79% of women reported body image to be their biggest insecurity.
"These worries can be so powerful that they significantly impact on the ability to enjoy sex," says Dr. Karen Gurney, clinical psychologist, psychosexologist and director of the Havelock Clinic. "Body image worries reduce our sexual arousal by stopping us from focusing on erotic thoughts and sensations, which has an impact on the whole sexual encounter by reducing sensation, pleasure and desire."
Studies have shown that body dissatisfaction can not only make it harder for women to get aroused, but it often means we’ll avoid certain positions or acts we enjoy, purely out of insecurity. "Many women are so self-conscious about the taste, appearance or smell of their genitals that they avoid allowing their partner to get too close to their vulva, or don’t ask for types of sex that they know would give them great pleasure, such as oral sex," Dr. Gurney tells Refinery29.
What's interesting is that the person you are having sex with probably couldn’t care less. In fact, only 19% of men and 8% of women were bothered by their partners' bodies.
We asked women to tell us what made them feel insecure during sex and how they deal with it. Click through to read their honest replies...
"Around the time that I first had sex, I felt incredibly uncomfortable with the look of my elongated labia. Mainly because I was in general uncomfortable with sharing my naked body with a lover... It took me months to get over it, I overcompensated with very sexy lingerie but my boyfriend didn't care. I think he was just happy to have sex with me. It helped a lot that we were open with each other and I trusted him..."
"The size of my thighs has worried me when I've had sex with someone new in the past, but as I've gotten a bit older I've really stopped giving a shit. If someone is going to be put off by something so trivial then they have no place in my bed in the first place. I've definitely felt insecure about someone going down on me if I haven't had a wax or a shower, but I kinda think instead of stopping them, let them if they want to. Life is tough enough without letting stuff like this get in the way of you having fun with someone in bed."
"My vagina is my insecurity. How it looks, how it smells, my pubic hair… everything about it makes me feel insecure. I think it stems from the fact that a lot of vaginas that I have seen in pornography are perfectly shaven while mine is not. I don’t even know how people get their vaginas so smooth. I have said no to certain positions during oral sex where I feel like my partner has a direct view of my vagina. I just explained to him that those positions make me feel vulnerable and scrutinised."
"I have had particularly bad body confidence issues growing up, I actually suffered with anorexia and bulimia for the majority of my teenage years. I always needed to have the lights off at all times when doing anything that involved clothes off, and I rarely allowed partners to have their faces anywhere lower than hip level! I used to have a lot of shame around what my private parts looked like, especially shaving bumps and hyperpigmentation."
"My stomach is my biggest insecurity. For a long time I used to have sex only when the lights were off or under the sheets. I kinda thought it was what I liked – later I realised that it was the fear of being seen completely naked – but I've been lucky enough to only meet people who were kind to my body. I'd like to encourage every person, especially girls, to stop considering sex as something you give to another person but rather something you're supposed to enjoy too. Stop thinking you're here to look "right" for him or her. You are enough and you deserve great sex despite your insecurities."
"Ever since I was a little girl I have always been slim, but only recently I’ve realised what a flat figure I actually have. I guess that refrained me from participating in any sexual activities basically out of embarrassment. I’m not too comfortable removing my top or bra as I’m very flat-chested. In the moment when my partner tries to remove them, I become uncomfortable quickly and tell him to stop, which he does. As much as I can dream of having the 'perfect' double Ds and a curvy figure, I’ll always belong to the itty bitty titty community. And that’s fine. Self-love is so important, I just need to grow as an individual and learn to love my body."
"I'm insecure about my chin at the best of times, but especially so in bed because of all the angles. If I'm on the bottom I feel like it makes me look like I have a double chin, since I'm lying down, and if I'm on top I worry that the guy is just staring straight up into my chin. It can be hard to relax and enjoy the experience when you're wondering what you look like. I try and tell myself that I notice it more than anyone else, and that if they're already in bed with me they must find me attractive. It's more about reminding myself of that..."
"I have a large clit and that’s always made me really insecure; when I was younger I even thought I might have been a hermaphrodite because I had only ever seen vulvas in porn and clits were always tiny. Of course now I know every inch of me is perfectly normal and healthy, and much like penises, clits can become erect when you’re aroused, but I’ve never been able to let it go. In the back of my head I’m always self-conscious if my partner touches me down there, not to mention goes down on me. In fact I’ve never fully enjoyed receiving oral because even if it feels good I can’t completely let go, I’m too worried. I hate that the organ that is supposed to bring me the most pleasure has gotten in the way of me reaching orgasm. I have no problem getting myself off, but it's hard when I’m with someone else."
"I can say this, in the past few years my body has become more 'womanly'. At first I was afraid to embrace it and wanted my college body back. I was insecure about having more of a butt in particular. But I’ve come to find that it’s actually something I like. Not only that, guys I have been in bed with have made a point to say how much they like my body (and butt) now, which is not something I ever got before. That’s helped give me confidence and I've actually come to like my body better now."
*Name has been changed
"My biggest insecurity would probably be my stomach. And one of my labia minora sticks out a lot. I’ve been reluctant to be on top during sex because my stomach is more visible, and there’s always a moment with a new partner where I’m expecting them to comment on my labia. That’s never happened yet. In the past, I have tried to keep my top on during sex, or I’ve just tried to flat out ignore it. It’s sometimes very hard to feel sexy or uninhibited when you’re feeling insecure, we have a tendency to almost imagine a big arrow pointing to parts of our body that we’re insecure about, and I think we need to realise that our partners either don’t notice or actually mind the body part we don’t like."
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