I think it’s fair to say that Eurovision is my football. The highs and lows; the theatre and spectacle; the vaguely embarrassing state of caring so deeply about a performance by people you’ve never met and have no relationship with, but whose glory you will definitely claim as yours if they win. When I watch a pub full of people leaping out of their seats with joy at a deciding goal in a cup final, I make sense of it all by remembering how I felt 21 years ago, the night Katrina and the Waves powered their way to velvet-coated victory with "Love Shine A Light". And the way I felt rewatching the whole three hours on VHS, every day for a week.
But while football gets a weekly go on our heartstrings for months at a time, all my feelings about Eurovision find an outlet just one night a year, bursting out over the cross-continental buffet in a mess of glitter and Lidl prosecco. Every meagre scrap of national pride left in my post-Brexit body is used up on Eurovision night; by the time the results from Moldova roll in, it’s inevitably whittled away to nothing. Because, of course, we’re very bad.
It wasn’t always the case – the UK actually has one of the best track records, having won five times with acts as credible as Sandie Shaw and Lulu. But these days, being bad is Britain’s Eurovision brand, just as Sweden’s is radiant ABBA rehashes and France’s is mournful ballads sung by a woman in a Debenhams prom dress. And not gleefully, kitschily bad – when we try to join in the contest’s tradition of joyous camp, it tends to come off like your Tory uncle shoving balloons down his top at a company away day – but painfully bad. Bum-squeakingly bad. Apologetically, apathetically, please-remember-we-invented-The-Beatles-tho bad.
It’s been 21 years since our last triumph and, rant all you like about political voting, that is nobody's fault but our own. But of the two decades under our studded corset belts, which years deserve the most shame? Let's revisit every disgrace to decide for sure.
1. Katrina and the Waves "Love Shine A Light"
1997
Even setting aside the fact that this uplifting, history-making performance got me through some pretty tough middle school times, it’s a masterclass in How To Win Eurovision. The tambourines, the velvet, the key change power-crouch, the fact she’s actually American and therefore lacks our trademark national ennui... It all works together so beautifully in a recipe that has been copied many times but never bettered. At least not by us. Would you listen to it outside of a Eurovision context? No, absolutely not. But in this strange, glitter-addled arena of hyperbole and dreams, we’ve never had it so good.
2. Gina G "Ooh Aah... Just A Little Bit"
1996
It’s pre-Katrina but I’m throwing it in for good measure, because this is quality stuff. Perhaps it’s because we’re still thirsty for '90s nostalgia or perhaps it’s just the passing of time making us misty-eyed and foolish, but there’s so much about Gina G’s eighth-place entry to love. The Romy and Michele backing dancer situation for one, and the fact that the only stage decoration is a beige Apple Mac for another. And of course, it dates back to a time when Australia didn’t compete and we could harness their powers for ourselves. A g’day indeed.
3. Jessica Garlick "Come Back"
2002
If Eurovision is your football too, then Pop Idol 2001 was probably your Wimbledon. Or at least, I dunno, your late-night highlights from the snooker world championship. Which means you’re probably singing along to Jessica Garlick’s entirely respectable number three croonfest "Come Back", noting her impressive levels of dignity despite an outfit that can only be described as "problematic Pocahontas" and thinking what a shame it was that fellow Idol contestant Hayley Evetts had to pull out of representing Romania in Eurovision 2016 due to a knee injury. I mean, I’m sure you are.
4. Imaani "Where Are You?"
1998
Shame factor: minimal. Shiny fabric factor: flammable. But where are YOU, Imaani? Working through some deep-seated resentment issues related to the fact that despite coming in second (SECOND) place at Eurovision '98, a mere seven points behind legendary winner Dana International and the closest the UK has got to the top prize in 20 chuffing years, nobody remembers you were even a thing?
Ah, no – "still recording". Good-o!
5. Bonnie Tyler "Believe In Me"
2013
Personally I believe everyone in Europe who failed to vote for this should have their rights to sing "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" while pissed at karaoke officially revoked. If you don’t love Bonnie at her hoarse-in-a-valance-sheet worst, then you don’t deserve her at her weatherproof-perm-and-a-wind-machine best. Get the woman a stiff drink and a Strepsil, she deserves it.
6. Precious "Say It Again"
1999
Back in the premillennial golden era, this 12th-place result was actually a disappointment for the UK, rather than the roaring success it would be classed as today. But how could we ever be ashamed of the group that gave us Jenny "Atomic Kitten" Frost, or turned "flicking a bogey off the end of one’s finger" into iconic choreography? Stupid question. Next.
7. Javine Hylton "Touch My Fire"
2005
Choreography borrowed from a "Dance Your Way to Beyoncé!" gym class, appropriative belly dancing, gladiator sandals, flame-print shirts from down the market – not only is this a frankly underrated Eurovision effort, it’s also such a perfect mid-noughties box-ticker it could go straight into a time capsule. But in case you’re not convinced I’d like to refer to YouTube commenter SamuraiFighterChick, who notes: "The song is nice and evokes a feeling of passion – which is also associated with fire." You see! LAYERS.
8. Andy Abraham "Even If"
2008
Sure, okay, this came last. But look what a lovely time everyone is having! I maintain the only thing we should be ashamed of here is not making this the wedding disco standard it deserves to be. Go on, picture yourself bopping to it with your mate’s Auntie Sue, shoes in one hand and a glass of warm wine and a sausage roll in the other. We don’t need their approval.
9. Molly "Children Of The Universe"
2014
I’m not saying "Molly’s 'Children Of The Universe' was robbed" is the hill I would die on, but I would definitely sit there in the rain until trench foot set in. It has everything – metallic fabrics, vague sentiments of togetherness, an exhilarating key change. Feathers. Granted, the henna and headdress have all the cultural sensitivity of a Made in Chelsea wrap party, but she’s a child of the universe! It’s fiiine! Probably? It’s… okay, I’m coming down off the hill. Does anybody have a dry pair of socks?
10. SuRie "Storm"
2018
Is it good? Is it terrible? Is that the jumpsuit with the overskirt you nearly bought on ASOS last week? There are many questions to ask of this year’s entry, but we won’t have conclusive answers until Saturday 12th May. If in doubt, it’s best to feel ashamed until told otherwise.
11. Engelbert Humperdinck "Love Will Set You Free"
2012
Oh god, I can’t watch. It’s like hearing somebody slagging off your granddad in the post office. Love will set you free but so will the sweet release of death, and we all know which one feels closer.
12. Joe and Jake "You're Not Alone"
2016
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s probably a duck. But if it looks like a Eurovision winner, feels like a Eurovision winner and sounds like a Eurovision winner, then it’s probably… going to end up in 24th place, weeping into your pleather jacket. Poor Joe and Jake; it wasn’t awful, lads! Nice hustle! For those three minutes in May 2016, it really did feel like we weren’t alone!
We are now, of course. We are now.
13. Nicki French "Don't Play That Song Again"
2000
In fairness, we can’t say she didn’t warn us.
14. Lucie Jones "Never Give Up On You"
2017
Such vocal power. So much emotion. Look, look at her emote! Ah you missed it, you were too busy scrubbing taramasalata out of your jumper. But it’s okay, there’ll be another three near-identical songs along in a minute. Have a cheese twist and sit tight.
15. James Fox "Hold On To Our Love"
2004
Please refer back to Jessica Garlick. For Pop Idol substitute Fame Academy, and for "problematic Pocahontas" substitute "if Jason Donovan, Jon from S Club 7 and Damien Rice founded a doomsday cult". But still, he’s in tune, and not even Donald Tusk can take that away from us.
16. Scooch "Flying The Flag (For You)"
2007
Oh Scooch. Fasten your seatbelts, we’re about to enter some emotional turbulence. Coming in at a no-frills 22nd place, this attempt at high-concept kitsch was the Eurovisual equivalent of clinging to someone’s legs during a breakup and snot-crying "WHAT DO YOU WANT? I’LL CHANGE! I’LL BE WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE!" then getting a haircut to look more like their ex. The desperation reeks like duty-free Paco Rabanne, but at least they were trying.
17. Blue "I Can"
2011
Why don’t we just send some of our established stars every year, you ask? We’re Britain! We invented The Beatles! Here’s the answer: Because they end up being just as disastrous as the nobodies and drag our childhoods through the muck as they go. How dare Blue sully our memories of grinding to "Too Close" at a youth disco with this wet-look garbage? We thought you were better than this, lads. It must have been the Bacardi Breezers talking.
18. Jade Ewen "It's My Time"
2009
Hello, this came fifth. FIFTH. It’s baffling, but indisputable evidence for anyone who’s ever done a tourist steeplechase down Shaftesbury Avenue at 7pm on a Saturday that yes, people really ARE that into Andrew Lloyd Webber. By the same logic, the year after we should have entered an Angus Steakhouse rib-eye with chips, followed by the giant man from Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.
19. Josh Dubovie "That Sounds Good To Me"
2010
As with every white boy who wears distressed jeans with a smart blazer, it’s highly unlikely Josh has experienced shame. So unfortunately the job falls to us to feel it on his behalf. I will be doing so by rocking silently in the foetal position for the next 20 minutes, but you can choose however you’re most comfortable.
20. Lindsay Dracass "No Dream Impossible"
2001
Back before we had unqualified teen Instagrammers to teach us how to follow our dreams, it was down to unqualified teenage pop stars to shoulder the burden instead. And while this is pretty much an aural horror show from start to finish (THE RAP BREAKDOWN), you have to admire the chutzpah it took for her to come straight from her Saturday job at a local go-kart track without getting changed first. It’s all very Vetements.
21. Electro Velvet "Still In Love With You"
2015
Let’s look for the positive here: We can thank Electro Velvet for the subsequent 50% downturn in Great Gatsby -themed parties. Although there’s an overpriced beaded flapper dress gathering dust in my wardrobe so on second thought, nope, no positives.
22. Jemini "Cry Baby"
2003
You thought this was going to be bottom of the pile, didn’t you? Oh, you sweet innocent. The fact is that by delivering that elusive Eurovision trash unicorn, the nul-points performance, Jemini actually made far more of an impression on behalf of the UK than half the entries before and since. We’re Britain and if we can’t be the best at being good, then by George we’ll be the best at being bad instead! See also: salad cream.
23. Daz Sampson "Teenage Life"
2006
Ohhh, there’s the shame. Deep, deep shame, bubbling up like acid heartburn along with the rest of the Mediterranean dip selection. This one is so bad we should probably make a pact with, say, Estonia, that if an asteroid ever wipes out the whole of the British Isles, they’ll destroy all evidence of this performance before it can be used against us in our obituary.
The only emotional Gaviscon I can offer is to flag up the fact that Gaz and his St. Trinian's squickfest came in 19th place with 25 points, making it officially more popular than living legends Engelbert Humperdinck and Bonnie Tyler. We can’t be blamed for that, we didn’t vote. That’s on you, Europe. Now please pass the Aldi ouzo, we have some blotting out to do.
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